[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
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I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
me doing my best