Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
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I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I can’t stop watching this.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.