Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.