AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
You Might Also Like
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
fair
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.