Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
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My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it