Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
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[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
i baked you a cake
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.