My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
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The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*