STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
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Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
☠️☠️☠️
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.