-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel