Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
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[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Lmao 🤣
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*