Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
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#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.