Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
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Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson