Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
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I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills