When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
You Might Also Like
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*