The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
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Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
FRED: right
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks