My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
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I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.