I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
You Might Also Like
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
wow he looks just like him
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.