interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
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Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL: