Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
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HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!