Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
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YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .