I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
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It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
This trial is so absurd 😭
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer