Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
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[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Meeeee too!
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is