*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
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Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Every photo I’m tagged in
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.