Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
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ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???