A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
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The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️