I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
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You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
me logging onto twitter
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?