I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
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I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
The opposite of Iceland is water water
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
the three branches of government
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot