I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
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When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.