Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
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One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon