Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
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[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.