Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
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my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.