Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
You Might Also Like
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Good morning
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
everyone’s a critic
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person