Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
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If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
There is no try. There is only give up.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water