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Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.