[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
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Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
monday
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB