So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
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Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife