Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
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If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.