I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
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Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.