Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
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so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
mood
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines