Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
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An owl showing some catlike behavior.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”