“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
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Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.