“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
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Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏