i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
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Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.