Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
You Might Also Like
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
any last words?
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
This hospital has everything
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work