Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
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Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
i meant to share this earlier
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
found this cool rock hiking today
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible