Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
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I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Just a reminder, folks:
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it