Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
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Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah