ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
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Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
how was your vacation
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
How about I get 100% off by already being there
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room