Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
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DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.