If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
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Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks